Girl Drama Diaries: Going back to Co-op Phobia

Hey guys!! So I know I haven't posted in quite some time. I've been very busy over the Summer, I even ended up taking a vacation to Florida (which is a wish come true!!) and I've been enjoying myself so far. I'm glad to be turning 14 this November, (time flies!) When I made my first blog post on here I was 10 years old, so it really is a miracle! So some of you know, how....well I've been going through shit at co-op in the past, and my crush there is now 18 years old. So things ain't so easy...and my fear of going back in fear things might be worse than last year, is getting worse. I know I shouldn't be feeling scared, but of course my anxiety always gets the best of me. I've been having constant nightmares that I get rejected by Isaiah in my dreams, and I've even had people tell me I deserve rejection and that I'm ugly af. (Which fuck it, I'm not as ugly as some of these people make me out to be) and it really scares me of the things that could happen when I go back. A girl prettier than me and more talented than me could join and catch Isaiah's eye and I'd be fucked. Because I want to make it through this school year with little to no bullshit and I don't need ANY bullshit. I just want things to be normal, and for people to realize THIS IS SOMETHING I CAN'T JUST GET OVER. Because people lately have been telling me lately "Get over it" when I CAN'T, my anxiety is a disorder. And it's ignorant to think this kind of shit is easy to get over...oh believe me social anxiety ain't a game to toy around with people.

I just had a night terror last night that Isaiah ended up refusing to sit next to me during some circle time activity and told me he didn't like sitting next to me and was talking to someone else. (Thankfully this hasn't happened in real life but I'm scared it will) and honestly the night terrors keep getting worse and worse. The nightmare before that was a nightmare that Lily was spreading rumors to Isaiah about me, but thankfully he didn't believe a thing she said about me. But still. My fear of going back to co-op is getting ridiculous.....I know more people will be joining this year, and a girl prettier than me could join and it just....*sigh* it won't be fair. She could have bigger boobs, better facial features, more talent, smoother looking hair, any number of things. I pray and hope to God that it doesn't happen and this year is gonna be perfectly fine. I'll make new friends, become better friends with Isaiah again, and things will just be...fine...Isaiah kinda acts like he doesn't wanna hang out with me time to time....Y'know.....But like any number of horrible things could happen and I'm so worried. I honestly don't know what to do, and the fear has gotten so bad I have had to come to my thought blog to write it down. You know what's scarier? You never know what the future holds....HELL Isaiah didn't even want a selfie with me.....SO AHAHSHHA....(Sarcastic laugh) It's gon' be shit.....No I shouldn't say that I really shouldn't or it could actually happen....




Oh fun fact!: Did I forget to mention I'm singing a song about going back to co-op? I've actually gotta perform it later today.....At my Girl's rock camp. I wrote the song, and my band plays for me. I'll totally share with you guys the video. Yes guys, I'm that anxious, and I hope all goes well...